If you are a partner or friend of a woman with ADHD, thanks for taking the time to check out this article. We invite you to check out these ten tips that can help you understand her actions and strengthen your relationship.
TOP TEN TIPS FOR LOVING ADHD WOMEN
By Dr. Lara Honos-Webb
1. Give positive feedback
Many ADHD women feel ashamed of a track record of not being able to do what comes easily to others. Sometimes simple tasks such as packing luggage for a trip, doing laundry, or preparing meals are major challenges for women who are disorganized and easily distracted. Go out of your way to note positive contributions even if it’s as simple as “thanks for offering to drive” or “thanks for helping with the dishes”. Send an encouraging email or text, leave a voice message, you cannot overdo this!
2. Understand her need for freedom
“Reactance” is the human tendency to feel threatened when someone tries to limit our freedom. When we feel someone is trying to control us, we may be driven to preserve our freedom by being downright defiant. Every human is driven by reactance but for those with ADD it is a driving personality trait. Working with this can be as simple as saying “I notice you are still on your phone” (no effort to control) instead of “How many times do I have to tell you to get off your phone?” There is a whole art and science to using persuasion rather than directives, the key is to shift to the person’s own motivation for what you are asking.
3. “That’s an interesting perspective” – JUST SAY IT.
ADHD symptoms include “not paying attention to details”, talking excessively, blurting out answers, daydreaming. All of these can lead to very original at times not well thought out strong opinions. You will be tempted to say “are you done yet?” or point out how far-out these ideas might be. Try this instead: “is there more?” and “That’s an interesting perspective.”
4. When offering feedback that is corrective, be gentle and reinforce the positive
If your friend or partner has ADHD that does not mean you have to sidestep issues or avoid them. ADHD often means a person is sensitive to criticism so use gentle language and not language which demeans or shames. Remember she is likely to be tough on herself and often fearful of making an embarrassing choice. But if we are friends with someone with adult ADHD, we also encourage her to be the best person possible and above all, we assure her of our love. For example, “I know that you do not mean any harm. I also know you and where your heart is. But I also would be disappointed if you _______ (fill in the blank) and found others judging you without knowing who you are.”
5. Express emotions
Difficulty listening is a core symptom of ADHD and you can address this by being more emotionally engaged and engaging. For many ADHD women it can be helpful to use more feeling centered-language and to show clearer emotion. She might requires higher facial affect and clearer signals. She may respond to language which expresses emotion, and appreciate it when you tell her how you feel instead of what you think. Simple things like smiling more and nodding to show affirmation can go a long way. You can punctuate conversation by inserting interesting anecdotes and share your feelings in relation to them, instead of just presenting facts and allowing her to draw conclusions. Tone is important. Low facial affect and the appearance of being “stoic” can makes her feel you are bored or uninterested when in fact, you may be concentrating and listening closely.
6. Show vulnerability
Another way to be more engaging is to use authentic self-revelation. This can mean sharing your fears and concerns without asking for a problem solution. It can also mean sharing what you are excited about, what you are happy about and what is making you feel secure. Many ADHD women are highly empathic and find vulnerability to be engaging.
7. Understand Time Blindness & DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY
When planning an activity, (e.g. a dinner), it is good to do so via email so that it allows the person to respond in his/her own time and react accordingly without the pressure of having to respond to something in person. They also have it in writing and can check their phone for your email if needed. Many partners have found it works best to invite ahead of time but probably not too far in advance. The key here is to not take time blindness such as showing up late or forgetting appointments personally, it is a core dysfunction for women with ADHD.
8. Take the lead on organizing activities
A woman with ADHD may not organize activities so providing “scaffolding” or helpful prompts can be helpful. You can ask ‘What would you like to eat?’ and allow her to make suggestions, but offer to pick the place if she feels the pressure to make an on the spot decision. Again don’t take a lack of organized planning personally as a lack of interest.
9. Try new things together
Pick new places to eat or new recreational activities to offer stimulation because boredom can set in quickly.
10. Pick environments that are easier for her to pay attention to you
It can be hard to balance the need for stimulation with the need to be free of too many distractions to pay attention. As an example, you can pick a new place to eat, but ask for a table that is quieter or out of the way. Walking, exercise and time in nature can increase attention for anyone, so these activities can be ideal.
What strategies have you used to strengthen your relationships with your ADHD friend or partner? For women with ADHD, what other tips would you add? Feel free to share in the comments section below.
Dr. Lara Honos-Webb PhD is a clinical psychologist, worldwide ADHD expert, and author of The Gift of ADHD, The Gift of ADHD Activity Book, The Gift of Adult ADD and The ADHD Workbook for Teens. She champions a revolutionary approach to ADHD, that focuses on leveraging our gifts, and transforming our “symptoms” into strengths. Learn more about her work at www.addisagift.com
My wife was finally diagnosed with ADHD 6 months ago at age 61. Your suggestions dovetail very much with our experience, but are not always easy to put into practice ‘in the moment’. However, it is a very well thought out list and very much appreciated by me.
I might suggest a complimentary list – a list of coping strategies for the non-ADHD spouse about how to handle the disappointment of a forgotten birthday, the low-libido/distracted sex drive of an ADHD woman, the hurt resulting from angry outbursts, etc.
Hi John, thank you for visiting our site and sharing you feedback on this article. Your wife is lucky to have a partner who invests time in understanding ADHD! We know it can be frustrating to be the non-ADHD partner. If you are looking for helpful strategies, we recommend a book called The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD. The book is highly respected by ADHD experts and lays out the most important strategies couples can use to rebuild trust, fight less, and rebuild intimacy in their relationship. Let us know if you find it helpful!
This is a wonderful article, I am here to say that I’m lucky to have a hubby who always takes care of me and the most important thing is that he respects me, where a lot of women demands. thanks for the article. keep it up.
Thanks for this article, I have a friend who is ADHD, I hope to make her come through this, am from the Gambia, west Africa… Thanks to Dr. Lara…
This article is my pro manual. Why? 3 days prior I was lucky to meet an amazing woman…who has ADHD. I am love with her brain. I think I have found my soulmate. I believe I have found someone who understands me and my flaws. She puts me in awe. She needs stimulation like me. We can go on adventures together. She is creative. She is highly intelligent and I dont have to “dumb down” my speech with her.
Also, gorgeous would be an understatement. She is a masterpiece. Sensory overload. I have a head to toe body orgasm just looking at her and those green eyes and freckles.
Plus she has 2 laughs. A funny one and a cute one. Is it obvious I’m in love yet? LOL
Wish me luck. This is super important to me! 🙂
This is adorable and gives me so much hope! Thanks so much for sharing Jeremy!!
Omg this was so helpful thank you
I am so incredibly thankful for this article. I always knew I was different, wasn’t until just a few months ago that I discovered just how deep ADHD goes and the effect that it has impacted my life with. The constant accusations of being a liar, not trying, being lazy, not caring; feeling so worthless, a burden, constant disappointment. You suffer silently. You wear a smile, while on the inside you’re dying. Praying for an early death as if it were a blessing n be doing all those burdened by you a favor.
I’ve been with my man going on 5 years. I’ve been able to manage fairly well for the most part; but for over a year now, my adhd symptoms have become so much worse. Everyday when my husband would get home, and would start getting agitated with my poor timing skills, the inability to really finish any task, his frustration grows more and more. The more stressed he gets, the more my depression and anxiety flares; along with my inability to sleep. I have been trying to explain my adhd to him, sending him articles, but I don’t believe he realizes that it truly does effect every aspect of your life. Everyday is a battle. You’re exhausted trying to fight with your own mind, frustrated, hurt and disappointed in yourself. Wondering, why does it take you hours, sometimes days or even weeks to accomplish one simple task, that they can have done within the hour?? It’s debilitating to say the least. I am going to send him this article in hopes that it can clarify some things for him. Give him understanding. A bit more compassion. Hopefully more patience with me.
Life saver!
This article is so helpful. Navigating an ADHD diagnosis when married to someone when strong characteristics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is very hard. If I showed him this article he would immediately put the blame on me (and he already does). It would be more fuel for his fire. By sharing this article, he would also claim that I’m trying to force him or expect him to be something that he’s not. All the gaslighting and crazy-making would be poured out on my tenfold. Unfortunately there aren’t many resources where I live to be able to help us. Divorce feels inevitable but I know it won’t solve anything. We have a very young child as well so thinking about how things affect him whether we divorce or not is heartbreaking. Sorry this isn’t more uplifting, but I really appreciate your article. It is very well-written and I have save it so I can refer back to it. Thank you 🙂
Anna,
I am so so sorry you are going through so much. It’s easier said than done but if you need to get out of that marriage, do it. No one should use these things against you. Yes it will be difficult and especially with someone who has narcissistic tendencies. But you need to be able to heal and take care of yourself. Remember that happy people make better parents. And everyone deserves to be treasured. Even him but it just doesn’t have to be by you. I really hope you’re doing better and I will keep you in my thoughts.
This article was just what I needed to read today. Thank you so much.
I really needed to see this. I was diagnosed with ADD as a child but my doctors didn’t explain what that meant. All I knew was that it was an attention disorder but I felt like I was able to maintain attention just fine so my doctor must have been wrong. I had no idea that picking the skin on my fingers was a symptom. Or that those symptoms included speaking out of turn, speaking too quickly, not thinking before blurting something out, daydreaming so much, never having good time management skills or even good time estimations for tasks. I always feel off. Some days I’m happy and fine and other days I don’t want to be touched or asked questions. Anxiety wasn’t bad until a few years ago, but I always was back and forth in my head in a constant battle of “you don’t deserve to be treated this way” and “of course you deserve this” scenarios. And every time I try to talk to my family about it, they just think I’m being over dramatic, that ADD isn’t all of those things and more. Everyone thinks that I can just flip a switch and think myself to a happier or less abrasive person. It’s so nice to see this and know that I need medication. And I need therapy. I need support. I needed to know it was real because right now no one in my life thinks this is real.
I’m a wife with ADHD reading this and I’m in tears. ADHD feels like its really damaging my marriage and so many of the challenges that were present but when noticed by me in my single life are blaring real issues when living with a partner. If my husband did these things I would feel so much relief. Thank you for the article.
“We deserve to experience love fully, equally, without shame, and without compromise.”❤️https://medium.com/@davidjackson1112022/what-are-the-best-sex-toys-for-couples-aafc3bd895c1
If you’re dating someone with ADHD, this post offers valuable insights to help you navigate the challenges that may arise. The tips provided focus on communication, patience, and understanding.